Coming around again.

apologies in advance for bad typing skills, I'm a bit tipseeeeeeeee......../.ytdc

OK, I admit it. I went out for a few srinks. OR drinks. Whatever.

My best friend's first ex-husband saw me, grabbed my face, and planted the best kiss I've had in a LOOOONG time on me. Called me his girl and told me to leave my husband. And then introduced me (as his best girl) to what I assumed would be his conquest for the night. Never mind I hadn't seen him in months. Oh, Abrams. You know I love you. If only you hadn't married my best friend first.

Oddly, exactly seven years ago tonight I went out with the same best friend. I ended up in a compromising position with, yes, some guy I picked up in a bar. THe only reson I remember this is that the next morning I was awakened by a phone call telling me my grandma had died. All I remember is crying in the shower, still drunk, knowing I had to go to work ( although why I thought it was so goddamn important to go, I'll never really know. I went in, still crying and reeking of beer, just to help some retired couple pick out colors for their new house. Jesus, I'm an idiot.)

So , in bar number two tonight, who do we run into? MR. Compromising position man. Of course. This is my life.

But wait!! There's more!!!

Exactly 5 years and 364 days ago, I went into labor with my son. Tomorrow I celebrate his birthday (one day early), on the anniversary of my grandma's death. So unreal.

I think Jennifer and I need to stop going out the weekend before my birthday. It never ends well.

Dropout

Yeah, faced with the prospect of 12 hour workdays and dealing with my son's ever-increasing Kinder problems I have decided there is no way I can do 12 credits, even online. So I dropped them all. There were waiting lists for the classes I was registered for, so I like to think it was my little way of helping other students get the classes they need to graduate, so they can avoid lives of crime and become productive members of society. Yes. That's my motivation. I'm so damn altruistic.

I would go into the Kinder problems now, but I have to be at work any minute. Suffice it to say there may be medication, and my background in molecular biology and neuro-chemistry has taught me just enough to be very, very afraid.

It's gonna be OK, It's gonna be OK..............

Safety Net

It's been almost a month since my last update. I would use the excuse that I'm working 60-70 hour weeks, but we all know I don't update in the easiest of times, either. It's just who I am, love me regardless.

Although my motivation for returning to the workforce was purely financial , I am forced to admit that I am loving it a little. Loving having my own personal space (fortunately, I am the only one working in my office), loving knowing the Lean Cuisines I keep stashed in the freezer at work will be there when I have a hankerin' for some swedish meatballs (I swear, LC Swedish Meatballs are soo good.)

Here's the cold hard truth: I feel relieved. Not just in the financial sense, but more personally.I know that staying home with your kids is really an important job. It's also way harder than making money. I suck at staying home with my kids. While I have no shortage of love and adoration for them, I know I run up short in the parenting and patience department. After spending 3 years at home with a grandma-type nanny, and another three years with me, my son is woefully unprepared for Kindergarten. He's been having behavior problems. And I know it's my fault. Not saying that every kid with behavior problems can be blamed on the Mama, I just know that in my personal case, it's true.

I am so relieved that, because he is in school now, trained professionals (and I know I'm lucky to have them..in a public school, no less) are standing at the ready to help him gain some impulse control, which I never had the skills or patience to do. I am relieved that by being in day care all day, my youngest will never know these struggles my son is facing right now (and I will post more on this topic later...poor kid). I am relieved that when I leave the house every morning, my kids will be handed off to people who know how pull the best from them, who feel their calling is to train young minds, and who have far more patience than I.

I am not bashing on stay at home or homeschooling moms. I envy them. Not the enormity of their job, but their willingness and skill and patience. It is hard, it is thankless. I'm not a big enough person to take it for years, and I envy them their fortitude. And their lack of clinical depression, or at least their ability to handle it.

After feeling like such a failure in the parenting department for so long, I would be dishonest if I were to say 12 and 14 hour work days are killing me. I am loving it. May lightening strike me (and it probably will,) I feel such a relief knowing that while I'm making money, somebody else is picking up the ball. My husband gets them ready in the morning, feeds them, drops them off. Starts dinner, picks up the kitchen, sometimes runs some laundry. Deals mostly with the school and discipline issues. Really stepped up, IMO, much better than I ever have. It hurts to say I've spent the last three years of my life failing at something, but I did. It's over now, I need to move on. And when I do get to spend a couple of hours with my kids, I cannot conceal my delight in everything they do. I am reading to them and playing with them more than I ever did when their entertainment was my job 24/7 . I am also much better and handling household things than I ever did, even though I am dog tired. Where I would procrastinate before, I am motivated to keep things running smooth. I know if I fail at being a working mom, my failure will be complete. It will mean I have no niche, no place where I am competent. That's really motivational, although I know that I am still in the honeymoon period (remember when I first started school? HA!)

Having a safety net ( in parenting, housekeeping, finances, self-esteem) is what works for me. I am human, fallable. I'm OK with that (finally!) And even though I leave for work almost every day, I am still a mom. Now I'm also a person, too, which is something I, personally, was never able to achieve staying home.