Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Why I am not a "Christian"

My sister in law was here from out of state for almost a week. Very nice person, easy to get along with, and once I realized I don't care what she thinks about my housekeeping skills I was able to relax and have a good time.

Until yesterday when I asked her what her church was like, because I have been thinking of attending church with my kids so they get the whole morality thing (because I am too lazy to teach it too them myself, beyond "Santa's Watching You.") She informed me that it saved her marriage, blah blah and she's not judgemental and doesn't try to convert people who are "going to hell because they don't know the lord" (her words) because she's "kind of cold-hearted" (again, her words.)

More quotes: with what I wish I'd had the balls to say in RED.

"Some people think it's their job to save people, but anybody who knows what a Bible is knows that if you don't come to know the Lord you are going to hell." Thank God you told me that, because I never read that part of the bible and now I still have a chance.

And when asked about all those billions of people in the world who a) don't believe in the Bible or b) have never seen The Holy Bible, she says "It's says in the bible that the lord will give all of his children a chance to know him, so it seems like he's got that covered." Well, of course he's got that covered. That's how we know Muslims must be evil, because God said he would tell them to get to know him and they chose not to.

"You should see, some of the missionaries that, like, find a remote tribe in Africa, who are practicing strange rituals and basically worshipping Satan, even though they don't know it, once they understand what our people are teaching them, their faces light up, and they become full of the Lord, and they are so happy." Or perhaps it's because they are full of the food the missionaries bring them, or perhaps laughing in their pale faces, and then burning the bibles for warmth after they leave. Of course, Christian Missionaries thrilled the Native Americans, to no end. So it just stand to reason Africa would be equally receptive.

On Mormonism: "Well if you are Mormon you believe everybody at least gets into the lowest level of heaven, whether they follow the rules or not. And if you are "Christian", you only go to Heaven if you KNOW THE LORD. So basically, Even if I'm wrong about rejecting Mormonism, I'm still at least getting into the basic Heaven, but if they're wrong about Christianity, well, then they're going to Hell, so I think I've got all my bases covered." Yes, isn't that the fourth commandment, "Cover Thy Bases?" Sounds like faith to me.


I really liked her before we had that conversation. And I was really considering going to Church. Then I realized I don't need a church, I just need a club to belong to.

Heathen that I am.

Also, why do so many Patriotic Christians shop at Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart is the most anti-American, Anti-Christ thing to come along since, well, the Antichrist.

More on this later, I have to go get to know the lord.


Blogger Canadian Mark said...

Good post. I usually don't go for religious articles at all, even humourous ones. I glad I stuck it out to the end of this one, as it provided a couple good chuckles.

5:51 AM  
Blogger Canadian Mark said...

...and may the Force be with you.

5:54 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

That story was good. For me the faith is for within and sorry to say not from any church.I try to teach my kids to be honest and kind to others and not to put the fear in them.. So choose your own path.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Ananke said...

That was pretty good. That's the main reason why I don't go to church. If I want to feel religious, I'll just crack open my Bible. You're right about Wal-mart, too. I walked through our local Wal-mart one day and only found about one or two things that were actually made in the USA. Go figure.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Sue said...

I have to tell you how sorry I am that your sister-in-law approached you that way. She, unfortunately, may very well be representative of the state of Christianity today, but I don't think Christ would approve. If you read the various accounts of how Christ approached people, that wasn't it. On behalf of the church, may I please apologize for the offense to you, and for your sister-in-law's misrepresentation of Jesus. Please don't judge Him based on the flawed, fallen humans who try to represent Him. Please meet Him personally in the pages of the Bible. He's there, and He's waiting for a conversation with you. God bless you and your family.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

Thanks for your kind post on my website and your encouraging words to me. I'm very blessed in that I hang around a lot of Christian women who feel the same way I do about Jesus and about the darker, judgmental side of Christianity. My husband and I spent two years church-hopping to find a church that had the right mix of education and love for Jesus and people, and we are very glad we persisted. If you're in the mood to look a little, the Calvary Chapel ( is a fabulous fellowship and my sense is that they're a very Jesus-loving and people-loving church, and not condemning and offensive. They are often a younger crowd. That's not the church I attend, but I think they're consistently the most welcoming and loving from what I can tell. You might want to check out your area to see if you have one. I sure hope so, but if not, I pray you give it a try and find a good fit. They're out there. God doesn't require it, you're very right about that, but I'm tremendously blessed every week, and I highly recommend it. It's my mental health therapy for the week, and I wouldn't miss it. Calvary has a fabulous radio ministry as well ( God bless, and thanks again for your post.

2:36 AM  
Blogger KristieD said...

I enjoyed reading this post. I complain about the "christians" i meet on a regular basis. People like that are just cattle.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Deborah said...

Perhaps your sister in law has reached the stage of christianity that can justly be called "Christian Superiority". I know Christians like that and they grate on my nerves.
I am the "I have been maried three times and I had my lips on more boys than I can count and I did inhale when that joint passed to me and I often have adulterous thoughts about Mr So and So with his nice ass. I also smoke and drink beer regularly" type of Christian. (or to keep it very simple, "The woman at the well")
Going to church is the beginning of my week and I do it because when I hear the benediction I get chills. I am all about the benediction chills.
If you should be church shopping find one that fits you--none of us really have a corner on the complete truth IMO. (I am not promoting stanism btw, just different christians sects.)

2:02 PM  
Blogger Deborah said...

uh-hum. Just to clarify--while I am completely against "stanism" (Those damn Stanist with their uppity attitude) what I really meant to say was "satanism".

3:05 PM  
Blogger The Accidental Housekeeper said...

Oh Deborah, I was actually baptised Stanist. While I no longer go to the Stanist Church, I still celebrate Stanmas. (That's July 27th in case you didn't know.)

10:41 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

Sue said it all for me - I was cringeing reading the post, I find it all perfectly embarrassing.

If it doesn't look like Jesus, then it's not the Kingdom. Simple as.

5:09 AM  
Blogger Rich | Championable said...


No, I'm good. I'm good. Oh, wait:


Dude. I've tried to write a comment for the last 10 minutes. But I can't. People who say stuff like what you're sister-in-law said make me just CRAZY.

Regardless of whether you want to be Christian or not... anyone who reads the Gospels will be, like, "What the fuck are all these crazy people TALKING about?" (Not the people in the gospels, but the people who say "The bible says...insert insane comment here.")

Nice to meet you.

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... "How I fell in love with a language, discovered a forgotten king and realized my part in a historical injustice that carries on today."

A historical injustice, I might add, fully supported by most Christians--the real and the fake.

11:34 PM  

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