Tuesday, August 16, 2005


I just returned from the grocery store. Thankfully, Baby is asleep and SuperBoy is playing video games. My non-perishables and produce are sitting on the dining room table, begging my attention, but I have ignored my kitchen for so long I have no where to put them. I need to clean out the fridge, but before I do that I have to take out the garbage and unload the dishwasher, which isn't finished running yet (yikes, did I even turn it on?)

No, I didn't. 94 minutes to go before I can unload it. I am going to take drastic measures and perhaps make soup instead of cleaning out the fridge. Or maybe I'll just throw away the rotten produce from two weeks ago to make room for new, ignoring the leftovers. I would like to know why I compulsively save leftovers anyway. We never eat them. It's not like I grew up in the depression. I just hate to throw away perfectly good food, so I leave it in the fridge for a couple of months because I have no problem throwing away Pyrex bowls full of mold.

But I digress...

I need to find some friends who live like me. Slobs who have little children that won't fight with my kids, that have husbands who have things in common with my husband, who would like to come over to my messy house and talk to me about things like sex and gossip and hair color and Six Feet Under and accidental parenthood and depression meds and won't care if I leave the room to go outside for a cigarette while we're visiting. Friends who won't try to get me to join their church, who will make me go do cool things like kayak and parachute and who have no problem driving to the top of the mountain because I am too winded to hike but still want to see the view.

I always thought my cool friends from my twenties would be around in the my thirties, and they are to an extent, but I am the only one not working. I feel guilty every time I call them, but they never call me because they are busy with their families and socialize with people they work with. And I skip a lot of parties because I always feel like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb: fatter than I used to be, unfashionable, smoking, I don't get the inside jokes because I don't work with these people. I avoid a lot of social situations because I'm not happy with my appearance. That's totally my fault, I realize. I thought maybe I could make some friends by going back to school, but I didn't like 20year olds when I was twenty myself.

I'm pretty lonely. I need to hang in here for another month and then I'll be so busy with school I won't have time to think about how hard it is to be a stay-at -home parent. And when I graduate in three years I will find a job with full of people like me and maybe forget how I feel like such an outcast all the time.

Wow, that got depressing. I think I'll go make some soup.


Blogger Sue said...

Hi.. Just to share, I'm a mess, too, and I don't have little ones to blame. Actually, my big one runs me ragged like my little ones used to. He's a good man - a great man - but a mountain man. I can't keep up, so I gave up being neurotic about it. It's not unhealthy, mind you. I guess the kindest word I can use is "relaxed." Yeah, that's it... relaxed. :) (That's called 'reframing') Take care, and God Bless.. Sue

6:54 PM  
Blogger Moveelvr said...

You want waterfalls to come outta my peepers? I feel the same way sometimes too. I think it has a lot to do with self image issues also. I hear ya about school and the 20 year olds...luckily I had some mature people in a few of my classes last quarter. I'm not saying I got it all figured out...I just don't think I care anymore. Looking back I think I wasted a lot of time worrying whether people liked me or not. It just got to be too exhausting. Hang in there and know that I'm always here for you. I love you!

12:26 PM  
Blogger PaintingChef said...

We soooo need to be friends!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Deborah said...

Wow. I feel your pain. Perhaps we should start a secret society that has a secret handshake. We can call ourselves "mam" and our theme can be "Mother's Against Mold" our platform can be all about thrwoing left-overs away. SUre, the mashed taters where tasty and the gravy was succulent goodness...but no one is really going to eat them the next day.

I am also going to school in the Fall, lot's of twenty somethings to deal with. However! I had a dream about college. I was walking through marble halls lined with people in Toga's. Each person had a lap top and I knew that I shouldn't stop to speak with them. The epiphany of this dream was the realization that college is about getting educated, not making friends.

But speaking of friends! If we lived by one another I would stand with you while you smoked on the porch, as long as you didn't insult my beer drinking.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Marti said...

Accidental Housekeeper opens her mailbox to discover a mysterious envelope.

Inside is an elegant, embellished greeting card reading, “Welcome to the club of women-who-talk-about-things-like-sex-and-gossip-and-hair-color-and-Six-Feet-Under-and-accidental-parenthood-and-depression-meds-and-won't-make-you-leave-the-room-to-go-outside-for-a-cigarette-while-we're-visiting.
The secret password is ‘ihatedishes’.

Shove that pile of laundry off the couch when you come over, to find a seat.”


4:32 PM  
Blogger Al said...

AH..the more i read your posts, the more i feel like we are one in the same! sadly, i moved to the wrong side of the country, otherwise we could smoke together!

1:43 PM  

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