Me: 10 Bear: 6

No time for a big long-winded post, I just wanted to pop in and say it's getting better. I am still on the 21mg patch, but my candy consumption is down and I only want to kill people once a day or so.

I'm liking this OK.

After School..

The school day I managed well. No cravings, lots of treats. Now I am home, and DYING for a smoke. I just don't care about my goals right now. I fI had a way to get to the store and back that didn't involve taking all 4 kids with me, this whole plan would be over.

Hopefully, this will pass.

Know what would make me feel better? A smoke.

AAAARRRGGGHHH.

Me: 2
Bear: 5

Goddamn Bear.

I just smoked 2 puffs off of a found cigarette. The shame.

I did manage to get ahold of myself before going further. I am going to pretend it didn'thappen, because I have made it 48 hours almost on half a smoke (early yesterday morning.)

I am doing pretty well, although my school routine tomorrow may make it a little rough.

Everyone who ever told me the secret of quitting smoking has said, "You just decide you're going to not smoke anymore."

There is a lot of truth to that, but I never believed I could do it before. I understand it better now.

It's not about making the decision not to smoke, it's about making about a hundred decisions a day not to smoke. Because I am not smoking (OK, like 99.99% not smoking) I think about having one almost every ten minutes. And more often. I woke up this morning thinking "I AM A NON-SMOKER." That helped a bit. Hot Tamales and banana chips help more. I can tell I've gained weight already. But I don't care. I need to beat this.

Tomorrow is going to hurt, I can tell already. I smoke in the car before and after school, plus between classes. I smoke while I study at school. (I think as the weather gets colder it may help. Can't smoke inside.) Must avoid the smoking areas. Must take many chewy treats. Must fight the bear.

Why.

I never organized all the reasons I am quitting smoking. I think maybe if I write them down, I may be more motivated. Because there is that moment, whilst trying to quit, where I lose it and stop at nothing to get a smoke. In that moment, I can't remember why I am doing this to myself. I must print this out and tape it to my steering wheel.

1. Early death. Not appealing.
2. Chemotherapy, emphysema. Ditto.
3. I hate walking into a room full of people after smoking. I always feel like there is a film of stank on me, or a little cloud surrounding me- a la Pigpen.
4. Brown teeth.
5. Imagining what my physical therapst must think of me while I cough and lose my breath on the treadmill. Going 1 mile an hour.
6. The cough. And the phlegm.
7. When introduced to a new situation, my first thought is "how acceptable will it be for me to go out for a smoke? When will I be able to do that? I wonder if there are any other smokers here."
8. Not being able to go to sleep at night unless I know there is a cigarette waiting for me when I wake up.
9. Coughing during sex. Not a good look, Muriel.
10. I want to work in a doctor's office or clinic when I get out of school. I can't imaging being allowed a smoke break.
11. Constantly worrying if my breath offends.
12. Setting off an asthma attack in the person who was unlucky enough to sit by me after lunch.
13. Most important: my baby's allergies. (we never smoked in the house, but come on: I know the particles stick to me and get tranferred to her.)
14. FLying on an airplane, and praying the connecting airport allows smoking in the bars. (Seattle sucks for this. Pheonix rocks, or did four years ago)
15: Over fifty dollahs a week.
16. That's over $2600 dollahs a year. Double that to include what John was smoking.
17. That's private school tuition for two kids.
18. Or one third of our total debt.
19. Or one kick ass vacation. EVERY YEAR.
20. Being thought of as weak because I can't overcome my own bad habits.

Oh, there are more I am sure. But this is a good start.

While writing this I ate half of a two pound can of Tropical trail mix. But I did not smoke.
Dehydrated pineapples? with salt from the peanuts? and M&M's = best flavor combo ever.

The Good Fight

AAARRGH.

Could not fall asleep last night, for the patch, it BURNS. Stings. And itches. Which is possible to ignore during the day, but lying in bed? With no distractions? Not so much.

So far consumed today: 1 pack of gummy lifesavers. One half bag of caramels. One half of one wayward cigarette found in my car, before coming to my senses and destroying it. The nicotine patches are working, it's just the ritual of lighting up I am having a hard time with. I have heard you should change your routine to keep yourself from smoking out of habit. I am finding the opposite is true, I take comfort in my routines. Usually, upon first waking, I would pee, start the water on for my coffee, and head straight to the garage for blog reading and a smoke. Go back inside for coffee , return to garage and smoke again. and again. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. So this morning, I just did the usual routine, sans smokey. It's really kind of OK, if I can ignore that naggy little voice in my head that says "light up! just a puff! won't it feel good?

Later: I will make a list of why I want to quit.
For now I must feed the children.

I must Fight the Bear.

But first a quick update:

My perfect score in Biology has been lowered to a 93%. Damn you, organic chemistry.

Said organic chemistry was such a bitch, I missed s few episodes of Bonehead Math and Communications for Dummies (just to keep up with the homework), hence those grades are probably low A's as well.

Real-life actual new friend mentioned before? Totally crazy. Like, paid an excorcist come to her rented house as opposed to moving crazy.How do I keep attracting these types of people? (here's a hint.... L.O.N.E.L.Y. D.E.S.P.A.R.A.T.I.O.N.)

Now, on to the BEAR:

I am a sick sick addict. I will smoke a cigarette if I have pnemonia. I will smoke on a boat, with a goat, in a chair, EVERYWHERE!!

My best smokey buddy in the world just got off the patch. He's smoke-free. He kicked that bitch's ASS. And he smells so minty fresh.

My live-in smokey buddy hasn't lit up in days. Days, people. And he hasn't killed me yet. Such self-restraint. No wonder I married him.

So, it is my turn to fight the bear. I really, really want to be a non-smoker. I think smoking is the last hold my white-trash upbringing has on me. If I can kill the bear, I will be better than most people. In fact, isn't that all that matters?

Just kidding. I still love velveeta and all things processed, and I haven't spent more than $30 on shoes in my whole life. I will be better than no one, but at least I will no longer be a slave to the tobacco industry. (Seriously, I am sooo hooked on the bastards that if? They were illegal? I would totally give blow jobs for cigarettes.)

But, times change, my friends, and so must I. Today I buy the patch. Tonight, before bed, I put one on. And tomorrow, I will be one cranky bitch.

Wish me luck.

UPdate: It is now 10:26 PM. I am so tired I am falling over. Yet I keep procrastinating bedtime. Because after? Bedtime? Nooo smokey. I told you I was sick.

Hey, I think I have a real life friend!

I can't find the time for anything aside from going to school and doing biology homework. It's making me crazy, because everyday I think of something I want to blog about, but I never find the uninterrupted time. Right now I'm dashing this off while the baby is napping, but the molecular structure of amino acids and polypeptides is waiting in the office for my full attention.

I think I made a new friend today, which is always a bonus. She's Maggie and she's a graduate student (in Bioterrorism! In my BIOLOGY CLASS. YAY) and she had second and fourth grade boys and lives up the street from me and is not twenty two. Wahoo!!

She also has a Degree in IT and worked as a page at NBC in New York and is my lab partner.

So, anyway, that's a good thing. Nice to find someone I have something in common with. (Well, just the kids and neighborhood thing, but it's a start!

I really need to go do my homework now.

The Constant Gardener

I am suprised this movie actually made it to my little city. Sadly, and not suprisingly, I was one of eight people in the theater including my two companions.


Powerful Stuff. As Moveelvr said, you could really tell it was not an American Movie.

That is true on so many levels.

You must see this film.

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