End of my rope.

I erased this post. Because I don't like to look back and see what an asshole I can be.

I love my husband, I love my kids, and we're all doing the best we can here.

Help a co-ed out.

Deborah over at living in a dream has a poll up for her economics class. Please go tell her why you're in college here.

She really needs a hundred people, so the math is easy. I totally understand.

Good Luck to Deborah!!

Random Annoying...

Things that are contributing to my foul mood. (And no, I am not PMSing. That's way worse than this:)

1. I went to the doctor today about my lower back pain, which was way better this morning than it has been. He proceeded to make me wait for 45 minutes, then manipulated my back in such a way that I can no longer sit, stand, or lie down without pain. Then he told me I need an MRI.

2. Oh, GOD THE FIGHTING. I swear I am going to lock all the children in a cage until two of them are rendered unable to yell and whine anymore.

3. Trip to Reno in eight days is a good thing. $300 left in my checking account before trip to reno with school shopping yet to be done is a bad thing. If my tickets were refundable I probably wouldn't go, as it is now it looks like I'll be staying with my in-laws the whole weekend.

4. Did I mention I can't sit, stand or lie down?

5. My lawn hasn't been mowed in three weeks. (No, that's not a double entendre. Although I guess it could be to the same effect.)

6. My printer and smart-card reader are not yet hooked up to my computer. Man, why didn't I marry that guy who owns a computer store. Oh, wait. I did.

7. Our new store will be ready to move into in one week. We will not be here when that happens.

8. I found us the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood at ther perfect price. A turn-of-the- century home with 7 bedrooms, cosmetic problems only (eg: easy to fix) in an established neighborhood with a giant yard. Unfortunately, my current house is mortgaged to the hilt to pay for above new store and I cannot buy it.

9. The skin on my butt cheeks is itching for some unknown reason.

10. I have "The Facts of Life" theme song stuck in my head, but I don't really know all the words so I'm just repeating "you take the goo, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. There's a dadedadado, dadedodedodedo la la la, la lala."

11. I am overcome with guilt for not calling my birthday friend, and I am annoyed at myself for not calling solely because I don't have a present for her.

I love the Internet.

Been a little while since I posted. It's been a busy week here. Still can't get the photos onto the proper computer for uploading, so no pics yet.

In my last post, self-pity was the special of the day. And my favorite bloggers all piped up to comfort me. I love you guys so much.

I was going to let this go, but I keep thinking about it. I even called Moveelvr shortly after it happened because it was so timely.

My only friend I've known as long as Moveelvr is Jennifer. We've always been very close, and she runs a pretty consistent #2 in my best friend rankings. It was pretty much my friendship with her I was referring to in the last post. I was speaking in general terms, however, but now it seems so apropriate.

Thursday was her birthday. I forgot it (well, I didn't forget her birthday, I just wasn't paying attention to what the date actually was last week. I do that sometimes, I'm unemployed.)
So at about 5 in the afternoon I call her to see how she's doing, and a strange man answeres the phone. The convo goes like this.

Man: Hello?
AH: Is Jen there?
Man: No she's not.
AH: Oh, this is AH, do you know when she'll be back?
Man: OH hi, AH, this is (that guy that's married to her peripheral friend from work). The party should be getting started in about an hour or so. I'm just blowing up balloons with the kids right now.
AH: ........uh, OK. Maybe I'll see you later.
Man: BuhBYE!!

And then I waited for my invitation to the party. She never called.

Is it worse to forget someone's birthday or is it worse not to invite your oldest friend to your party?

Like I told Moveelvr, I'm sure it wasn't an intentionsl "Let's not invite Accidental Housekeeper."

I imagine it was more along the lines of forgetting to invite me, and a more secure person would have shown up anyway. I know, intellectually, that it would have been no big deal, I could have laughed it off (or she might not have even remembered not inviting me.) But I didn't really want to go, for all the reasons I spoke of in my last post. I also really expected a phone call at some point in the last few days. Nada.

So, on the scale of top ten things that matter, this incident really doesn't even make the cut. It still stung, though.

I still haven't gotten her a present, but that's mostly due to lack of time and available cash. I kind of blew my wad getting the kids and myself ready for a wedding we went to Saturday. I know I still should get her one, and maybe take her out to dinner. I know she didn't exclude me on purpose, and if she did it's because she suspected I wouldn't come.

I just needed to get that off my chest. I wish you all lived here near me, even though where I live is kind of a boring place.

Those damn kids are now demanding breakfast, of all things. I best go.

And I really am OK about this kind of thing. Thankfully I'm too busy to dwell.

Stalling.....

I just returned from the grocery store. Thankfully, Baby is asleep and SuperBoy is playing video games. My non-perishables and produce are sitting on the dining room table, begging my attention, but I have ignored my kitchen for so long I have no where to put them. I need to clean out the fridge, but before I do that I have to take out the garbage and unload the dishwasher, which isn't finished running yet (yikes, did I even turn it on?)

No, I didn't. 94 minutes to go before I can unload it. I am going to take drastic measures and perhaps make soup instead of cleaning out the fridge. Or maybe I'll just throw away the rotten produce from two weeks ago to make room for new, ignoring the leftovers. I would like to know why I compulsively save leftovers anyway. We never eat them. It's not like I grew up in the depression. I just hate to throw away perfectly good food, so I leave it in the fridge for a couple of months because I have no problem throwing away Pyrex bowls full of mold.

But I digress...

I need to find some friends who live like me. Slobs who have little children that won't fight with my kids, that have husbands who have things in common with my husband, who would like to come over to my messy house and talk to me about things like sex and gossip and hair color and Six Feet Under and accidental parenthood and depression meds and won't care if I leave the room to go outside for a cigarette while we're visiting. Friends who won't try to get me to join their church, who will make me go do cool things like kayak and parachute and who have no problem driving to the top of the mountain because I am too winded to hike but still want to see the view.

I always thought my cool friends from my twenties would be around in the my thirties, and they are to an extent, but I am the only one not working. I feel guilty every time I call them, but they never call me because they are busy with their families and socialize with people they work with. And I skip a lot of parties because I always feel like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb: fatter than I used to be, unfashionable, smoking, I don't get the inside jokes because I don't work with these people. I avoid a lot of social situations because I'm not happy with my appearance. That's totally my fault, I realize. I thought maybe I could make some friends by going back to school, but I didn't like 20year olds when I was twenty myself.

I'm pretty lonely. I need to hang in here for another month and then I'll be so busy with school I won't have time to think about how hard it is to be a stay-at -home parent. And when I graduate in three years I will find a job with full of people like me and maybe forget how I feel like such an outcast all the time.

Wow, that got depressing. I think I'll go make some soup.

Random Boring.

I have been waiting to post until I had my computer set up in my office so I could unload my camera and show pictures of said office, plus the exterior paint on my house.

Computer is set up, but J still has to show me how to dump the pics onto it. There is no card-reader on this one. So, a post, but still no pictures.

I have been busy. It's like I'm nesting, which I didn't get to do for my last pregnancy, as she was so early. I think the reality of having a space of my own is causing me to want to make it nice. Hopefully it will last. I actually go nuts in a messy house, which would explain all those prescription meds in the cupboard. I think I have always been nuts, but I've always been messy, too. Chicken? Egg? I don't know. All I know is my bedroom has never been so clean. The office, while full of cast-off furniture and a hulkng treadmill I never use (hopefully I will use it now, I hated working out in the living room,) anyhoo, the office is ever-so organized. I didn't even buy new office supplies, which I usually have to do in order to get motivated to get my sh1t together.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry, I had to take a nap there, as I just re-read the last paragraph. BORING.

Well, no gnus is good gnus, as Gary always said.

Aww,I miss Gary. More later.

Sleepover

What began as an innocent little sleep over is now a full blown slumber-thon (I imagine, without the slumber part.)

My most adorable pregnant friend Lisa just came by to drop of her two oldest girls to stay over with my nine year old. She also had her younger two with her, ages four and two. I couldn't ler her leave with the younger two, because it's pretty obvious she's in the early stages of labor and needs to get some rest. 3 of her 4 girls so far have been homebirths, and she's planning on going that route this time. I know her husband won't be home for a while to help with the littles, and since I'm taking her two helpers I couldn't imagine letting her leave with them. So it's mega-slumber party time. Six girls, two boys, me and J.

Best wishes to Lisa and God help me.

A room of her own

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." - Virginia Woolf

I have no money, but I now have a room of my own. After a **HEATED** discussion it has been decided that my younger son will move down to the toy room/guest room/ hallway that is adjacent to my stepson's room. Super Boy's current room will become my office.

Right before the baby was born, we had to subdivide the former toy room into a smaller toy room and a bedroom for my stepson to have enough bedrooms. The ages of the kids (boys too close, girls too far apart) pretty much nixed room sharing. (Plus the steps are only here half the time and it's important to us that they don't feel like visitors.) Stepson's room turned out kind of small, and J feels bad about that. He thinks moving super boy's room to just outside his own room would be kind of invading his space. I got mad, because for the love of Christmas, what about my space??? At least the kid has his own room. And J gets to go to work every day, while I never get to be anywhere that's not full of bottles and toys and diapers and laundry.

OK, selfish pout over. I did get my way, after all.

My quarter begins at school in six weeks and I had a very hard time last quarter keeping up with my school stuff. If everyone was up and around I'd use my bedroom, if J was going to bed I would have to use the living room or the computer in the garage. I am just not organized enough to keep up with multiple classes with multiple study areas. Like I told J, it would at the most be three more years, and then one of the boys could move back in.

My bonus motivation is to have a space to store all the crap I hate keeping in the garage, but don't necessarily want the kids playing with, like the carpet cleaner and my photos. But the real motivation is having a space to study, and to keep my files.

I believe having a place where laundry won't get piled up on top of the bills will help me to pay stuff on time, too. And I really want a sewing machine, but have never had a place to sew or even store a sewing machine. Although I know that is going to have to wait until I'm done with schoo,. as I cannot forsee having the time.

My nine year old step-daughter is having a sleepover tomorrow night, then hopefully I can start moving everything around and be relatively set up by Sunday.

I really hope this idea turns out to be as good as I think it is. I have moved my new (vintage) desk four times in the past year trying to make it work.

Why I am not a "Christian"

My sister in law was here from out of state for almost a week. Very nice person, easy to get along with, and once I realized I don't care what she thinks about my housekeeping skills I was able to relax and have a good time.

Until yesterday when I asked her what her church was like, because I have been thinking of attending church with my kids so they get the whole morality thing (because I am too lazy to teach it too them myself, beyond "Santa's Watching You.") She informed me that it saved her marriage, blah blah and she's not judgemental and doesn't try to convert people who are "going to hell because they don't know the lord" (her words) because she's "kind of cold-hearted" (again, her words.)

More quotes: with what I wish I'd had the balls to say in RED.

"Some people think it's their job to save people, but anybody who knows what a Bible is knows that if you don't come to know the Lord you are going to hell." Thank God you told me that, because I never read that part of the bible and now I still have a chance.

And when asked about all those billions of people in the world who a) don't believe in the Bible or b) have never seen The Holy Bible, she says "It's says in the bible that the lord will give all of his children a chance to know him, so it seems like he's got that covered." Well, of course he's got that covered. That's how we know Muslims must be evil, because God said he would tell them to get to know him and they chose not to.

"You should see, some of the missionaries that, like, find a remote tribe in Africa, who are practicing strange rituals and basically worshipping Satan, even though they don't know it, once they understand what our people are teaching them, their faces light up, and they become full of the Lord, and they are so happy." Or perhaps it's because they are full of the food the missionaries bring them, or perhaps laughing in their pale faces, and then burning the bibles for warmth after they leave. Of course, Christian Missionaries thrilled the Native Americans, to no end. So it just stand to reason Africa would be equally receptive.

On Mormonism: "Well if you are Mormon you believe everybody at least gets into the lowest level of heaven, whether they follow the rules or not. And if you are "Christian", you only go to Heaven if you KNOW THE LORD. So basically, Even if I'm wrong about rejecting Mormonism, I'm still at least getting into the basic Heaven, but if they're wrong about Christianity, well, then they're going to Hell, so I think I've got all my bases covered." Yes, isn't that the fourth commandment, "Cover Thy Bases?" Sounds like faith to me.

Sigh.

I really liked her before we had that conversation. And I was really considering going to Church. Then I realized I don't need a church, I just need a club to belong to.

Heathen that I am.

Also, why do so many Patriotic Christians shop at Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart is the most anti-American, Anti-Christ thing to come along since, well, the Antichrist.

More on this later, I have to go get to know the lord.